The Alternate Almanac
by jamesthestagwhore
Summary: A series of unconnected drabbles in which all genders are changed.
1. Chapter 1

"Why won't it go flat?"

"Because it's your hair, when has it ever gone flat?"

Liam Evans had already buttoned his coat and was waiting at the door for his girlfriend Jamie to finish faffing about with her hair.

"I don't like you tone," said Jamie, trying once more to force her hair to fall down rather than stick up.

"You mean the one of me getting annoyed because we're running ten minutes late to go and have dinner with my brother and you thought this would be the perfect moment to try and brush your hair."

"Yes, that's the tone. Can't stand it."

Liam moved behind Jamie so that he too was reflect in the mirror and stuck his tongue out at her.

"I wouldn't worry if I were you," said Liam. "My brother's fiancee has a mustache so you'll be the prettiest one there."

Jamie scoffed, "I'm always the prettiest one there."

"Yes, you're absolutely gorgeous. Can we go now?"

"I think I'll try the other brush again," said Jamie, picking said brush up off the floor, chucking the first one across the room and out of sight. She ignored Liam completely.

"Maybe if you wanted flat hair you shouldn't have spent half your life messing it up," suggested Liam.

Jamie rolled her eyes, still brushing emphatically. "Don't be an idiot, my tousled locks are one of my most attractive features."

"Then why are you brushing them out?"

"Because your brother is boring and I want to blend in."

Chuckling, Liam placed his head on her shoulder. "You know," he said calmly, "my brother will probably hate you no matter how tidy your hair is."

"Can we be certain he won't fall madly in love with me?" asked Jamie.

"Quite certain."

"Then he must have appalling taste."

"Normally I'd say you were being vain but in this case I think you might be right," said Liam. "But appalling is actually a very good description of my brother's fiancee."

"What's her name again? Perpetual Virgin?"

"Virginia."

"Close enough," said Jamie.

"Are you ready to go then?" Liam prompted.

Jamie stepped forwards so her nose was practically pressed against the glass of the mirror and sighed.

"Jamie," said Liam.

"Yes?"

"You're a bit nervous, aren't you?" he asked.

She didn't say anything, but the way Jamie was frowning at the mirror told Liam he was right.

"Okay," he sighed. "Give me a moment."

Liam jogged up the stairs and came back down holding a red ribbon.

"Where did you get that from?" asked Jamie. "Do you have a secret ribbon collection?"

"It's from the wrapping paper box. Y'know, for making presents look nice."

"We have a wrapping paper box?"

Liam rolled his eyes. "It's underneath your broomstick polishing kit," he said.

"Ah, that explains it then. I'd never need to go further into the cupboard than that," said Jamie. "What are you going to do with the ribbon?"

"I'm going to fix your hair for you."

Taking the brush, Liam began brushing through Jamie's hair very gently.

"What are you doing?" Jamie asked.

"I said I'm fixing your hair now hold still."

Liam parted Jamie's hair into three pieces and began plaiting it. Jamie remained silent throughout, until he was finished, using the red ribbon to keep it all together.

"Well, it's not completely flat," said Liam, noting that Jamie's hair was already rebelling against the plait, sticking out in odd places. "I think it's as good as it's going to get though. Besides," Liam planted a kiss on the back of Jamie's head, "I prefer it messy."

Jamie's lips twitched into a smile. "Okay then," she said. "Let's go."


	2. The Wonders of a Firm Arse

Remy Lupin felt a sudden weight on her thighs. Glancing down from the chocolate frog card she was investigating, she saw why.

"Shirley," she said, "would you mind taking your head off my lap."

"You owe me a galleon," said Shirley in response.

"For what? Also, get off my lap."

Across the train compartment, Patricia let out a giggle. Both Remy and Shirley turned to look at her.

"What is it, Wormtail?" asked Remy.

Patricia said, "I just saw Prongs walk past the compartment."

"So?" said Shirley in a bored voice. "you've seen Jamie walk before."

Patricia smiled knowingly at her friends. "Yes, but he was walking with Liam Evans."

"Wait, Really?" cried Remy. "Shirley, my legs are going numb, get up."

"Was it walking with or walking closely behind?" asked Shirley.

After a moment's consideration, Patricia conceded it was the latter.

"And not all that closely behind I'd wager," said Shirley.

"Why not?"

"Jamie likes a clear view of Evans' arse."

"Please get off my lap," said Remy.

"Evans' arse is rather firm," said Shirley, continuing to ignore Remy.

Remy winced. "Well my arse is in pain because the weight of your massive head is crushing it," he said. "Please get up."

Jamie Potter entered the compartment roughly ten minutes later to find Shirley on the floor.

Shirley and Patricia had been playing exploding snap, with Shirley's head determined to stay in Remy's lap for the entire game, causing her to lose every time.

"Please get up," said Remy weakly, wafting the smoke away from her face. "I've been singed at least six times."

"All is fair in love and war," said Shirley.

"True but irrelevant. Now get up."

"I want my galleon first."

"I don't owe you a galleon."

"Yes you do."

"For what?" asked Remy.

"For giving me a headache with your ridiculously bony legs."

"Right that's it," said Remy, standing up suddenly, sending Shirley toppling to the floor. "Much better."

That was when Jamie entered. "Nice knickers, Padfoot," she said.

"Where have you been?" said Shirley as she rearranged her skirt.

Jamie shrugged, taking the now vacant seat beside Remy, and said, "Nowhere in particular, why are you on the floor?"

"Because she was being an idiot," Remy explained. "But don't change the subject, where have you been, Prongs? Please don't tell me you were stalking Liam Evans."

Patricia exchanged a knowing look with Shirley, who had managed to pick herself up off the floor and take a seat.

"Technically it wasn't stalking," said Jamie. Then noticing all eyes were on her, she snapped, "it wasn't stalking, okay? It was investigating."

"Investigating Evans' firm arse?" suggested Shirley. Jamie kicked her in the shin.

"No," said Jamie defiantly. "Well, at it wasn't my main goal. It was more of an added bonus."

"What was your main goal then?" said Remy.

"The crotch?" asked Patricia, causing both her and Shirley to burst into peals of laughter.

"Right, I'm ignoring you two," said Jamie, turning to Remy. "For your information, Moony, I was just looking to see who Evans was sitting with."

"And who was he sitting with?"

"Not Selma Snape," said Jamie.

Remy said, "Well, that's hardly surprising" at the same time as Patricia cried, "Really?"

As Remy and Patricia frowned at each other, Shirley leaned forwards to speak to Jamie. "You were out there for bloody ages and you're saying that Evans wasn't with Smellma once?"

Jamie shook her head, her eyes wild with excitement. "Not once. He was down with Edith Bones for a bit, which I'm not too bothered about because we all know I'm better looking than her." Jamie ran a hand through her messy black hair before adding, "And now he's sitting with Marvin Macdonald and that lot."

Shirley nodded seriously and said, "Marvin Macdonald is the last man on earth I would shag."

"I feel like you're having a different conversation in your head."

"I don't understand why any of us are surprised that Liam's not sitting with Snape," said Remy. "I mean, he hasn't spoken to her since that thing at the lake."

Shirley shuddered.

"What's wrong?" asked Patricia.

"I just remembered what Smellma's knickers look like."

Then Jamie shuddered too and said, "Oh yeah, remind me to never turn old Smelly upside down when she's wearing a skirt."

"I would've thought that they'd have made up by now," said Patricia.

"It was pretty bad what she called him," said Remy. "I don't think I could forgive any of you if you called me a werebitch in front of the whole school."

Shirley nodded in agreement. "Yeah," she said. "I wouldn't forgive myself if I ever called Moony a werebitch. I'd like to think my insults are a little more creative than that."

"Still, I thought Liam might take the greasy bitch back," said Jamie.

Patricia looked relieved that Jamie agreed with her. "Exactly!" she cried. "Liam's always looked past all the dark arts rubbish when it comes to Snape. Why not this?"

Shrugging, Shirley said, "Maybe Evans has finally come to his senses and realised that with an arse as beautifully firm as his, he has no right hanging about with old greasy knickers."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Without waiting for an answer, a ginger boy stuck his head into the compartment.

"Alright, Evans?" asked Jamie, managing to kick Remy in the knee as she crossed her legs so that her skirt hiked up a little. "What brings you here?"

"Potter, you left this behind," said Liam coldly, holding out a crimson and gold scarf.

Jamie scoffed, "I don't think you can prove that it's mine."

"Well, nobody else was hanging about outside my compartment long enough to leave behind a belonging."

Jamie turned pink in the face and took the scarf reluctantly. She might have been imagining things, but she could have sworn that Liam stole a glance at her chest.

"Have a safe trip," he said, turning to leave.

Jamie was just about to relay the chest-glancing incident when Liam's head reappeared.

"Oh and by the way, Shirley," he said. "Keep your eyes off my arse, no matter how firm you think it is."

Then the door slammed and he was gone.

All eyes were on Jamie again.

"Are you okay?" asked Patricia.

Jamie grinned. "I'm not sure I know what you mean," she said, leaning back into her seat.

"That was pretty humiliating," said Remy.

"If you say so," said Jamie, shrugging. "But Evans didn't tell that_ I_ couldn't keep staring at his nice firm bottom."

"That may be true," Shirley admitted, "but Remy doesn't owe you a galleon, does she?"


End file.
